you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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