She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize