Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
