Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize