I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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