I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
