Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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