can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
