the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
