I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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