there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
