And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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