He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize