Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
