guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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