I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
