If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
