Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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