don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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