dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
