please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
