So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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