I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
