I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
