he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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