I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
What a fucking waste of an outfit
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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