it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize