you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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