if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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