u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize