my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
