Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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