is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
