On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
