I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
