I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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