Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
