Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
it was like eating out sand paper
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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