I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So vagazzling was a success
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
