You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
