shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
