I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
