i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
as a side note pls kill me
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
