the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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