im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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