Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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