I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Randomize
