I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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