Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
