She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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