Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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