I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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