I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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