I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
