Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
