I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
