If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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