Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
