I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
